I am a type of "girlfriend" (or whatever I am these days) that is more than willing to make friends with the ex-girlfriends of my current love interests (so long as they weren't jealous psychos or bat shit crazy.) However, when I do make friends with these girls, I pick them apart and realize,
"This girl has more to offer than I do. Why the fuck is he with me?"
For instance, I see one of Jason's ex-girlfriends (or, first love if you want to get technical - at least that's how I look at it) who is just as artistically inclined as I am (we've discussed collaborations and whatnot) and she is actually a decent person (although Jason begs differ, but that's beside the point.) She's a really attractive girl, gothic (I don't know how else to describe the style, but she wears lolita and cosplays exceptionally well), has piercings (probably tattoos, as well), fair-skinned, cute face, and a nice figure to boot (similar to mine, at least); she has a love of anime/managa, gaming, goes to clubs, drinks, smokes, etc...
She seems to be Jason's type and exactly what he would want in a girl. And what do I have to offer? Maybe a love of drawing, anime, and gaming, and that is probably as far as it goes. If anything, I have my "average" body to keep me going in the long run. But other than that, she has so much more than me. They still communicate every once in a while (although I was told by Jason that they both agreed what they had now was totally platonic), but I can't help but wonder, why is there no spark between them anymore, or again for that matter? I am plain and average above all else, and I just can't help but wonder what there is about me that he wants anything to do with. I think it is something that he will never tell me, or be able to tell me. And I guess this whole thing comes from my intimidation and apprehension of other women - picking myself apart as to compare myself to them and make them out to be the betters as opposed to me.
I am the generic out-going, open-minded, gamer, artistic, anime geek that every nerdy boy dreams of. Keyword: generic. Because I have a decent figure and appearance is just a bonus to the package. And although at times that come to be quite an advantage for me, right now, it's not exactly something that makes me happy about myself, either. Believe it or not, I hate being the type of girl that every gamer nerd pursues. I'm tired of it, and it doesn't make me remotely unique. But unfortunately, it's something I just can't change about myself. I can't help the fact that I am near obsessed with my DS, that I have a talent for drawing, and passion for reading manga and watching beautiful art in motion, and the fact that I feel independent enough to where I could give shit less if I mention the word "penis" in a crowded retail store. I am who I am, and it seems like I can never stand out as much as I used to years ago. Now it seems like just about every girl of my "kind" are remotely the same way in some form or fashion. These guys claim that we are a rarity. Believe me, we are not.
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I don't make friends. Like. At all. It's a good mentality. Except when you actually begin liking someone. "Holy shit, this person doesn't suck.. How do I approach?" Not that difficult on the internet, not that difficult in real life. I guess I'm just fucking awesome... Oh wait, that has nothing to do with anything. Sorry.
"but she wears lolita and cosplays"? That alone makes you better. Anyone dressing as lolita is a pretentious whoreish fucking weaboo. It's not even prejudice, it's fucking true. Also, most chicks take the following way too fucking far "she has a love of anime/managa, gaming, goes to clubs, drinks, smokes,"... Not saying that some guys don't. But shit. Balance the fuck out, woman. ... Oh, not aimed at you. I don't actually KNOW you. I know you're awesome, but.. you know. I'm not a man for details. I barely have any myself.
"And what do I have to offer?" Tits. Not just biologically, which you do, but also the tits of personality. So to speak. Damn, I'm poetic. But yeah, you have the fucking mannerisms. Don't you? In our brief conversations, I was just simply enchanted. You have a charm. You do.... ... On the internet anyway, but hey, that's a reflection of you. At the least partially.
Personally, from what I have gathered inbetween liking different people. They become more beautiful from a spark unexplained preference. Once you love someone, they are simply put, more beautiful than "otherwise". This unfortunately also happens in all those two week long relations that are probably full of shit. Or they could just be lying fuckers, I don't know. I've never been *there*. I continuously bend and twist my mind, wondering why anyone would EVER want to be closer than a fucking mile's radius around me. I don't know. There are also plenty of instances where I cannot explain the feeling or attitude I have regarding certain people. Some people, I seem to inherently hate the guts out of, some, I cannot help but want to fucking give a sentimental hug and cry against their shoulder. Why is this? I don't fucking know. I wish I knew, I'd avoid the crying. This has simply let me accept that... Some feelings are not explainable, these do not make them less real than those you can menstruate out thirty three paragraphs of shitty poetry about, it simply makes their sheer nature an oddity in the person's mind. Nothing more, nothing less, something they aren't accustomed to and something they cannot explain. Of course, that shouldn't mean one could just believe everything people say, but don't dismiss it out of hand, that's uh, retarded. And close minded.
"These guys claim that we are a rarity." These guys you mention, are the guys who seriously believe the ratio of male to female population on the interet is something like 200 : 1. In short, they have no perspective of reality, even remotely. It's tragic. I'm picky about my partners, they need to know what reality is at the moment. This has left me quite violently alone.
Don't get stuck in that world. Yes, you have what you enjoy. But what prevents you from looking farther than that? What prevents you from hanging out with that guy over there who seems to seriously hate the guts of everyone and everything? The guy you called a psycho? The guy that doesn't actually enjoy a single fucking thing he does but does it to kill time? I'm not that rare, am I? T~T
Although, I admit, I enjoy some few, odd things.
In all honesty.
I may not be familiar enough to fully empathize with what you're going through, but I do know this:
There was once a time where people like you were a rarity, indeed. And while it is far more trendy these days to act like you are, I think that really being that way is still quite uncommon. Seems everyone these days is slapping some image over their face, for whatever reason. I feel deep down that you are different from all that. To me, that is what makes you unique.
In short - Fuck everyone else, you're awesome.
And yeah, I did lose everything. Totally blows. Once I get a DVD-ROM drive installed in my PC, though, I have my MyDocs folder backed up onto a DVD, courtesy of a co-worker who's quite a handyman with computers. So, all personal data is not completely lost. Just most of it, now.