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| Still think of you when I shouldn't.I hear the clock, it's 6am
I feel so far away from where I've been
Got my eggs, and my pancakes too
Got my maple syrup, everything but you
I break the yolks and make a smiley face
I kinda like it in my brand new place
I wipe the spots off of the mirror
Don't leave the keys in the door
Never put wet towels on the floor anymore 'cause
Dreams last so long, even after you're gone
I know, that you love me and soon you will see
You were meant for me, and I was meant for you
Called my momma, she was out for a walk
Consoled a cup of coffee but it didn't wanna talk
Picked up a paper, it was more bad news
More hearts being broken or people being used
Put on my coat in the pouring rain
Saw a movie it just wasn't the same
'Cause it was happy and I was sad
It made me miss you, oh so bad
Go about my business, I'm doing fine
Besides, what would I say if I had you on the line
Same old story, not much to say
Hearts are broken every day
I brush my teeth and put the cap back on
I know you hate it when I leave the light on
I pick up a book up, and then turn the sheets down
Take a deep breath and a good look around
Put on my pj's and hop into bed
I'm half alive but I feel mostly dead
I try and tell myself it'll be all right
I just shouldn't think anymore tonight
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| I still feel like a virgin every time I do it. I put too much thought into it, of the pain, of the fear of pregnancy (with protection, even); of how well I can do it (given my inexperience), and even how badly I will do it. I envy the women who can easily go for so much as a small fuck in a bathroom at some restaurant, or even the ones who can do it in a park.
Not only am I afraid of doing it and being unable to do it, but because I doubt I can ever have a stable relationship because of it. Intimacy is a big part of a relationship, yes. Intimacy is what I am capable of. But not sex. And I fear that will be the downfall of my every relationship from now until the future.
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| Seven minutes before I've gotta leave for class, so I'm going to try making this pronto. And I'm sure this posting may make some people angry.
God, or whatever shape or form you are, I know you're out there. And I've thought about bonding with you, and well, there are some things that I would like to make clear about myself, that I hope you'll accept about me. Because if you can't love me for who or what I am, regardless of what I have done, I don't think I can have you in my life as sovereign.
1. I'm not a virgin.
Yeah, I know, it sucks. And you're not the only guy who was pissed about the loss of it, but you know, what can I do? I just didn't want to wait around for marriage. (But if it's of any consolation, I lost it at 20 years of age?) And honestly, is divorce not against the religious code, or whatever it is your son preaches? I don't know about you, but I also think that...
2. ...Marriage is pointless.
I've had my fair share of divorce experiences, even though they weren't even mine. I don't blame my mother for giving me a bad example; she was only looking for love (and unfortunately, in all the wrong places.) And I refuse to repeat her same mistakes again. But should a time come up, where I truly believe that I am capable of being marriage to a man that I can see decades of being with, then yes, I'll probably consider it.
3. I believe in abortion.
To an extent though, so don't get me wrong. I know there are 14-year olds out there, humping like rabbits and if one of them happens to get knocked up (purposefully), well, then that is their damn fault and shouldn't deserve that sort of privilege. I know the birth of a baby is your gift and all, but this day in age, it can be a burden; especially when the mother wasn't expecting it. I know throughout the centuries you have seen numerous women who have been raped and gotten pregnant because of it. I just hope you don't condemn them for choosing the abortion method. Because this day in age, we don't have such giving folks who will preach and pray for your good tidings, or offer help in any way shape or form. Wet nurses don't exist anymore, well, for the most part at least. And women DO need to earn a living...
4. I say your name in vain.
Only when I'm pissed, though. Sorry! I'll work on that. I'll say... "Jesus, Joseph, and Mary", orrr... "God nuggets", or "fuck dammit."
5. I don't go to church.
But I think you and I both know we don't require a church to worship you. Which reminds me...
6. ...I don't worship you.
Is that okay? I mean, I do speak to you (not literally, however. I would just think I was crazy if I did that, but I do speak to you in my own special way. Hope you don't mind that), and I am very well aware of your existence (or whatever higher being you are), and I think that is sufficient enough. But if it's wrong of me to not do so, please send me a "heads up."
7. I've broken most of the Commandments by now.
I was thinking about listing them, but I'd figure I put them in one paragraph. Yes, I have lied and I still do. I've stolen before (sometimes unintentionally, and when I was younger, intentionally from Big Lots.) I haven't murdered anyone, that's for sure.
8. o_O
Why are you expecting everything in return from the Jews (or anyone else for that matter)? And all this time, I thought you were the sort of god that just gave, gave, gave without expecting anything in return.
9. I have an open mind to other religious factions and/or gods.
I do believe in you as a sort of "higher being" and possibly the "real thing", but I am still open to the possibility of other gods out there. But somehow I also feel that all of the single "god" other religions worship or believe in COULD be You. But I wouldn't know that. Either way, I don't think of myself as being condemned for bearing an open mind the idea of multiple gods.
10. I believe in gay rights.
Sorry, but you won't change my mind on this. People should be able to love who they want to love, regardless of gender. It maybe go against your imagery of marriage and relationships, and it may be so wrong in the eyes of others or your own (or whatever sight-seeing abilities you have), but anyone and everyone should be able to love who they please without gender restrictions. And no, I don't feel gay men or lesbian women are or should be condemned for their sexualities. Did you also happen to know that even regardless of their sexualities, there are gays who worship you, probably more than I have or ever will? Yeah. That's saying a lot. So think twice about the hypocritical, asshole heterosexuals that condemn gay rights.
11. I am my own person.
I am still going to do what makes me happy, make my mistakes as any other human will do, and make the choices and decisions in life that will take me to different paths in life. My life is not set in stone, and I'm not going to live religiously in hopes that I will go to Heaven instead of eternal damnation if I don't right wrongs and triumph over evil (thanks, Sailor Moon!) I will give in to lust (it feels good! Or else why would you give humans the ability to feel pleasure?), I am a glutton for so many things (ie, food and material possessions), I am capable of being greedy as any man or woman out there, I will suffer from much envy of my fellow peers, and I will take pride in my talents and other things in life that make me happy (though sometimes I will be too prideful to get over arguments with people or give in to them), and I will always being angry over ridiculous shit. There is no person in mankind that is not subjected to these sins (and others that I had failed to mention.) And if they've never been, then they are... well, not human. Shit. Lol. Simply put, I will do the things in life that will help me succeed and make me happy in life. And on top of all that, it is ME who performs my way of life, and is not run by a spritual being.
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| I am a type of "girlfriend" (or whatever I am these days) that is more than willing to make friends with the ex-girlfriends of my current love interests (so long as they weren't jealous psychos or bat shit crazy.) However, when I do make friends with these girls, I pick them apart and realize,
"This girl has more to offer than I do. Why the fuck is he with me?"
For instance, I see one of Jason's ex-girlfriends (or, first love if you want to get technical - at least that's how I look at it) who is just as artistically inclined as I am (we've discussed collaborations and whatnot) and she is actually a decent person (although Jason begs differ, but that's beside the point.) She's a really attractive girl, gothic (I don't know how else to describe the style, but she wears lolita and cosplays exceptionally well), has piercings (probably tattoos, as well), fair-skinned, cute face, and a nice figure to boot (similar to mine, at least); she has a love of anime/managa, gaming, goes to clubs, drinks, smokes, etc...
She seems to be Jason's type and exactly what he would want in a girl. And what do I have to offer? Maybe a love of drawing, anime, and gaming, and that is probably as far as it goes. If anything, I have my "average" body to keep me going in the long run. But other than that, she has so much more than me. They still communicate every once in a while (although I was told by Jason that they both agreed what they had now was totally platonic), but I can't help but wonder, why is there no spark between them anymore, or again for that matter? I am plain and average above all else, and I just can't help but wonder what there is about me that he wants anything to do with. I think it is something that he will never tell me, or be able to tell me. And I guess this whole thing comes from my intimidation and apprehension of other women - picking myself apart as to compare myself to them and make them out to be the betters as opposed to me.
I am the generic out-going, open-minded, gamer, artistic, anime geek that every nerdy boy dreams of. Keyword: generic. Because I have a decent figure and appearance is just a bonus to the package. And although at times that come to be quite an advantage for me, right now, it's not exactly something that makes me happy about myself, either. Believe it or not, I hate being the type of girl that every gamer nerd pursues. I'm tired of it, and it doesn't make me remotely unique. But unfortunately, it's something I just can't change about myself. I can't help the fact that I am near obsessed with my DS, that I have a talent for drawing, and passion for reading manga and watching beautiful art in motion, and the fact that I feel independent enough to where I could give shit less if I mention the word "penis" in a crowded retail store. I am who I am, and it seems like I can never stand out as much as I used to years ago. Now it seems like just about every girl of my "kind" are remotely the same way in some form or fashion. These guys claim that we are a rarity. Believe me, we are not.
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